More Than My Own Life
by HeartlessFreedom
Summary: The obligatory post-Purgatory fic for any CI fan. Overly romanticized and slightly schmoopy, but it's my humble offering.


**I wrote this fic a year or two ago. I had just seen Purgatory for about the 20th time and I needed to fix it. I haven't properly worked out the ending yet. I was originally going to go smutty, but I've never written smut so I might just fade to black if I ever get around to it. Until then, this is my attempt to fix what happened in Purgatory. It's endlessly schmoopy and probably really OOC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. So don't sue me.**

She was lost. Drifting in a world where stability no longer existed. Bobby had been her anchor for longer than she had realized, but now it was as though the past few years had been a lie. He had betrayed her trust in him in a way that she hadn't even known was so important to her.

Alex sat cross-legged in her bed with her back leaning against the headboard.

Five hours. It had only been five hours since she had left him standing in the wake of her anger.

"I hope it was worth it, Detective." She had said those words with such ice, such pain, such painstaking emphasis on just how far apart the relationship had drifted, and yet even as she said them she wanted to take them back.

Donnie had been one thing. She had understood the need to go against the rules to protect him. Even with the risk of suspension she had joined his side in order to get justice, or to protect his family, or just because she couldn't imagine doing something without him now.

But for six months she had worried over him, and he had ignored her calls? She should have guessed something was wrong when he had avoided talking to her, but the thought of an undercover operation that didn't include her was impossible. This was Bobby. He was never an open book, but he told her more than anyone else in his life. It was her job to hold as much of his pain, sorrow, past, or whatever it was he needed.

She had been talking to the captain once a week about progress for getting Bobby reinstated and all that time he had lied to her. She had lost more sleep over what could possibly be keeping Goren from her. Was he lying dead somewhere? Had the addiction in his family finally overtaken him with alcohol? With drugs?

Family has no secrets, and Alex had considered Bobby and Captain Ross as family before this. Now what were they? It was something similar to a broken heart. The feeling of being let behind by family or a best friend. Knowing that unless a miracle happened things would only get worse.

Alex took another sip of the water sitting on her nightstand. She had wanted, needed something stronger, but she refused to give in. She needed this time to analyze what had really hurt her that night.

She had pointed at gun at his head. At Bobby's head. And she had seen him pointing his back. In that moment she had perfect clarity. She hardly noticed the gun in his hand or the fact that she could die any moment. The only thing that she could think was that she couldn't do this. She couldn't shoot the man she loved.

Alex Eames was in love with Bobby Goren and she would lose her own life before she took his.

She had known for years that she loved him, but that never translated the same as being in love with him. It just couldn't be possible. It was insane and against the rules and stupid and he couldn't love her.

And the next moment she was out the door. Vomiting what little she had eaten that day and losing the battle with tears, she made her way to the car. The arresting officers had everything under control. She needed to get back to 1PP. She needed to… whatever it was she needed, it didn't matter.

Alex's next coherent thought was that she needed to see Bobby. She watched as the doors on the holding cell moved open and he rested against the door as though it was the most common place in the world for him to be. When Captain Ross spoke up, she had the overwhelming urge to vomit again.

They had both lied to her. The family she saw and trusted more than the flesh of her flesh had lied to her and she had been fooled. Who was the man she had loved?

Their argument after Goren's interrogation of Mike Stoat hadn't helped alleviate her wounds any more. He had looked broken and tired. As though he had been fighting an emotional battle and losing. And maybe he had, but even with his drowsy eyes, all she could see was anger.

"'All your wounds are self-inflicted'… and you can't even see the ones you've inflicted on me." She had left the room and walked directly out of 1PP and found her way home and into one of the shirts Bobby had stored there in the early days of their partnership.

They had wanted to make it easier in case anything happened that caused one of them to need to change at the other's apartment. Over the past six months she had slept in one of Bobby's overlarge shirts more than she could admit to anyone. They were so comforting and safe. She could almost imagine that he was still a part of her life.

She looked back at the glass of water she was still holding in her hand and was surprised to see a tear drop into it. She should have been dry by then with as many she had shed over the last… five and a half hours.

She was pulled for her cyclic repetition of the past few months when a loud knock was heard at the door. She ignored it for a moment, but when it became apparent that who ever it was wasn't going to let up she pulled on a pair of boy shirts and walked to the front door.

Looking through the peephole, she nearly had a heart attack when she saw Bobby looking back at her. She was almost afraid to open the door, but actually saying anything to him was out of the question. The sobs would overcome anything she had to say that involved actual words.

And she couldn't just ignore him, because he had his own set of keys in case of emergency. So she unlatched the door, and unlocked the deadbolt, and the door and opened the door. Bobby stared at her for a moment, holding eye contact, and trying desperately to read her like he used to.

She stood there for a long moment and then merely stepped to the side, pulling the door along with her. Bobby shuffled in and stood behind her as she closed the door and re-locked it. It wasn't until she turned around and caught him staring at her outfit that she realized how much she was giving away merely by letting him see her like this.

She didn't need to look in the mirror to know that she had tear streaks down her cheeks. Or that he obviously noticed it was his NYPD shirt hanging down mid-thigh.

Alex let her gaze drop to the ground. And then he was standing close. Too close. And his hand was on her chin softly coaxing her to look up in his eyes. The same eyes she had looked into less that 24 hours before and held a gun to.

The same eyes she had been looking at when she finally realized that she was in love with him.

At that thought, Alex stepped away and walked into the kitchen. Pouring a glass of juice, because a glass of water was too painful to think of after their argument earlier, Alex moved into the living room and sat on the far end of the couch. She pulled her legs under herself and waited for him to speak. To explain exactly why he was here.

She sat in quite agony for a full minute before he finally found something tangible to say.

"I needed to fix this tonight. I can't lose… I, uh, I can't lose you too. I need to make you understand why I did this. You need to know how much I value you in our partnership, in, uh, not just is our partnership, but in life. I couldn't even sleep unless I tried to make this better."

"Bobby-"

"No. Eames, please. Just give me a chance. God, this is so hard."

"Bobby, I am giving you a chance, but you need to give me a chance to say something here too. You don't just get to tell your story and go home. This has to be a conversation and that means I get to tell my story too."

"Uh, okay Eames. Whatever I have to do to make this right with you."

"Well to start with, call me Alex. At least here. Tonight. This is personal and it's not fair to keep me distanced with my last name."

"Okay Eam- uh, Alex. I guess I should start somewhere that makes sense, but then again nothing's made sense in months… Uh, well after I was placed on suspension I was pretty out of it. Every night for a week I was getting drunk just for the relief of not having to think. I couldn't go to you, because it hurt too much to know that I had nearly ended your career as well as my own. And, uh, I couldn't see you without thinking about work.

One night while sitting at the bar, Mike Stoat approached me. We chatted and he almost came out and said exactly what kind of work he could get for me. When he left me I called the captain about getting someone in the there to go undercover. When I got a chance to meet with the captain, he told me that I was the one to go undercover and I could not tell anyone. Not even you. I tried to find a way around it, but at that point I knew I had no choice.

I had to get back to work, to get my shield back, to, uh, get you back, and those were the rules for how I had to do it. And I knew, I knew, that if I talked to you or saw you at all that I'd break down and tell you. And I couldn't risk losing you because of my incompetence again, so I stayed away.

God, when you caught me coming out of the coffee shop? I nearly died. My heart was pounding in my chest cause it hurt so much to hurt you. To be deliberately cruel to you.

And then last night you saved me. I know that you could have killed me, but I would have been dead in a second anyways. My cover blown for not killing him. And then you rushed out of the room. What happened then anyways?"

"I, uh, had to vomit. It was too much."

"God, I'm sorry. Alex, I wish I could take away the past six months of pain and strain on our partnership, but you need to know why. You need to understand that I did this for you. To get back to work with you. My life makes no sense apart from my friendship with you."

"Bobby, I… I don't know what to say."

"Say whatever you need to."

So Alex told him. She started slowly with a recap of the past 6 months from her view and worked her way through explaining how she had felt through every step. The only thing she held back on was what she had really realized when staring down the barrel of his gun. She couldn't admit to being in love with him. Not with things so broken.

Bobby sat through all of it. Patiently listening to every scar he'd put on her heart over the past few months and finally realizing just how much he can affect her life. Even son, he's almost too scared to ask, but he has to know…

"Alex, uhm, I need to ask you something."

"Yeah?"

"Uh, why are you wearing my NYPD shirt? Or rather how often do you wear my NYPD shirt?"

Alex blushed at the question, but figured it was only fair to answer the best she could under the circumstances.

"Uh, well. I've worn it to bed almost every night for the past few months, because it's comfortable. I feel safe in it… " _Like I'm in your arms_…

Bobby smiled and leaned back against the couch once more. "Not that I'm complaining mind you… In fact I may never want to wear it again. After all, it looks so good on you."

Alex blushed again. She unfolded her legs from under herself and stood to bring her glass to the sink. When she turned around, she was surprised at how close Bobby was to her. She hadn't even noticed him get up.

His hand moved closer to her faced and brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear, but his hand didn't pull away. Instead his thumb traced the path of the tears on and under her left eye. Alex closed her eyes at the feel of his rough thumb continually moving from her eye to her jaw.

"It doesn't make sense that you would cry about me…"Bobby's words rumbled in her ear and she open her eyes to see him staring at her in bewilderment. As though he couldn't possibly understand why she would waste time or energy worrying or crying over him. And then she knows that she should tell him, but even then she doesn't tell him what she really wants to say.

She's still looking in his eyes and suddenly it seems imperative that she hugs him. She needs to physically know that he's still alive, that he's really here in her apartment.

When her arms close around him, he pauses for a moment and then quickly recovers and pulls her into his arms as well. And she's so tiny compared to him, but for some reason she fits into all the right places.

Bobby looks down and then next thing he knows his lips are running the same path his thumb has been on earlier. And with no hesitation whatsoever Alex allows it.

His lips continue on a path down her jaw and neck, and they sit on her clavicle. Kissing, sucking, licking a path of warmth, comfort and devotion that is making them both wonder what's changed so quickly.

Then suddenly his lips meet hers and it's the end of the world. It's every cliché known to man, but yet so much more. It's perfection in a kiss. In their first kiss. And then it's over and words are tumbling out faster than they should.

"God, I love you. I love you so much."

Alex's eyes flew open at this revelation.

"You? You love me?" It's sounds surprised at first. Then timid as though he was going to break her favorite toy.

"Uh, well... uhm."

"Bobby, just tell me. Did you mean it? Do you love me?"

Bobby nodded. Then, "Yes, Alex. I do love you, but it's okay that you don't love me. I know I've hurt you too much and I broke your trust and I…" Bobby babbled trying to give her an out.

"Bobby. Bobby!'

"Alex?"

"Bobby, I love you too. I have for years, but I never realized that I was in love with you until last night. The only thing I could think was, 'I love Bobby Goren and he could kill me this moment, but I couldn't hurt him. I can't live without him.'"

And then he was right there in front of her again, holding her close and pressed up against the doorframe.

"I love you"

Their lips met.

"God, Bobby. I love you more than anything, More than my own life apparently."

Bobby's lips met hers again and his tongue slid out to taste her bottom lip. He slid his tongue along her bottom lip, asking for permission, but not even bothering to wait for the answer.

His hands were heavy on her hips as he held her against the wall straining for a way to crawl inside of her and live there. Alex's hands moved along his torso to his neck and rubbed soft circles through his scalp all the while letting him devour her mouth with his. As his mouth left hers to suck at the nape of her neck and leave a love mark that would definitely be there tomorrow, her legs came up around his waist.

Bobby's hands moved from her hips to her butt squeezing and holding her to him. His fingers slid up the boy shorts to touch the soft skin of her naked ass. Alex worked her fingers though the button down he was wearing and pushed it off his shoulders. If he got to touch skin then so did she. Turn about is fair play after all.

And I don't know what happens here yet. Maybe I'll know after the series finale.


End file.
